Out of darkness there comes….. Further cack

So today was a bad day. Daniel Powter style bad day. And there ain’t no blue sky holiday on my horizon. Crap meets crap, even crap lunch ate after 3pm to rub salt in my wounds.

I faced the usual aggressive onslaught from people today. People who fight their corner but feel the need to do it with a snarl grimace or condescension so epic that I feel almost infantile as a result of being around it. I may have to go back to rusks after today. I can appreciate people doing their job, but not when I’m made to feel as if I’ve wronged the nation I sometimes wonder what I’m in this game for. I never signed up to be insulted, laughed at and generally treated like some forum to make people feel far more pumped up and macho at the end of the working day.

So halfway through this experience I was already buoyed by the greatness of my working life. So imagine the joy of speaking to my colleague who announces we have received an e mail from work who tell us we are facing a budget cut and therefore face redundancy. Woo hoo. We knew the day was coming. Knew it. But it has undoubtedly knocked me for six it doing so. If anything makes the bad days worse it’s that I can’t tell when the next good day will come around. The news is compounded by the fact we don’t know when the decisions will be made, I kinda need closure. Hypothetical does not help, if these things are going to happen I need the process to start.

So here I am. Stood on an uneven platform, not knowing where I will fall but needing to jump off. I wonder where I would like life to take me. I’d love it to take me to Ina. She may want to invest in a new Barefoot Contessa in Sheffield. I could sell coffee, muffins, salad, pasta, olives, salmon and the whole nine yards. That would be fabulous. I could take my blog and start writing for a magazine or a website. That would be awesome. But am I really a talented writer? I think this is more a diary or a one way conversation with an invisible friend. Or in lieu of me seeing a therapist and having a challenging conversation with someone like Gabriel Byrne in In Treatment. Great show if you have never seen it. Very interesting.

I do not feel particularly talented either way today. I feel a bit of a loser. There are days like that, where I feel that I never quite achieve, I never go in the right direction. I think that in one sense I’m being hard on myself, but the other I am not being hard enough. It’s times like this that we discover our own strength, right now I’m a bit limp and lacklustre. Give me time, I’m hoping I’ll reapply some polish to this facade. Or fake it better. This blog is so personal, I just can’t fake it. I was going to do a hunky dory post, but I have started to look forward to this part of the day, for better or worse. I get things out, I vent, I analyse, I expose a part of me, if only for a while, something that is truly me.

My day is always about something or someone else. It’s about misery, sadness, violence, abuse, it’s about failure, it’s about money, it’s about anger, it’s about disappointment, it’s then about the gym, about food, about housework or ironing, it’s about what I never have time to do, it’s about what needs to be done, it’s about being exhausted. Then it’s me. Then it’s my blog time. I get to try to remember who I am. Revive my soul for a second, a nanosecond sometimes, to think about where I am in this cycle of madness. And this dear friends, is the result of it. As pitiful as it may be. A few choice words on a screen of knives and forks. My heart sinks a bit. In a world of endless possibility, I would love it to be more. A bit more me gifted to the universe. Although I do wonder, and you can comment below and let me know, does the world need nay want more me?

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

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