Sting in the retail

Hola readers. So i can report back from the afternoon tea at Hampton Manor. Afternoon tea was delicious. The selection was beef and ham sandwiches, egg sandwiches and salmon rolls. We duly followed this up by tucking into what invariably was going to be the highlight- the sweet selection.

The cake stand was as colourful as it was varied. Most striking was the pistachio and raspberry tart, a green baked sponge-like tartlet with a vivid fuchsia raspberry in the middle. Gorgeous.

There were little droplet lemon drizzle cakes, chocolate and salted caramel macarons and a scone each. Passionfruit curd was bought to the table to serve on the scone. Incredible. Absolutely incredible. It was sweet and smooth, and really highlighted the moist buttery scone. We all thought this unusual at first but there were 4 converts come home time.

Of course I ruined my sophistication by getting drunk as a skunk come the evening with Luke. Ah well. To quote Patricia Hodge, such fun!

Center Parcs Spa hungover is a new experience. Not sure I want to recreate it anytime soon. A grey-green facial hue offset by a White robe is not such a good look. I also struggled with the hot to cold transitions which one encounters! Again, our sophisticated day was slightly tarnished by Luke and I’s lack of restraint!!

So this morning, finally feeling a tad fresher, Mum and I decided to head on out to have a look at HomeSense, and see what they had. Oh my days, I thought I would never get out solvent. Books wise, they had Bill Granger, Skye Gyngell, Jason Atherton… I wanted them all. Grr. My mother acted as my conscience for the day, and told me I didn’t need them. Correct. But completely annoying. So I walked away. Sadface.

But I didn’t come away completely empty-handed. I took a myriad of photos to show you, dear readers, of what I can only describe as a collection of crap. A plethora of tatt. A shower of shite. All of it decorative rubbish which I can only think they believe we may be tempted to display in our poor, unsuspecting homes.

Exhibit A:

A porcelain dog with a mirrored face. What the effing crap? In what room is THAT the missing thing that would just make the ambience greater?!

Exhibit B:

A glazed ceramic lemon tree.

I can imagine the conversation “I love lemons, would love a lemon tree but they are a bit high maintenance and perhaps would not thrive 8 miles west of Birmingham, if only I could find an alternative that combines my love of lemons but in a decorative fashion”

Well, dear, your prayer has been answered at HomeSense at Merry Hill. Fill your boots.

Exhibit C:

Porcelain Victorian Gentlemen. With a look of David Cameron about them. Words fail me.

Exhibit D:

A whole freak show on one shelf. A monkey in a uniform, a depiction of a sailors return which looks slightly domestic violence riddled, two freaky looking birds, and a severed head of a man with make up on. Just weird.

Exhibit E:

Can someone tell me what breed of what I think is a dog this is? It is quite possibly the most vile thing my eyes have ever seen.

Exhibit F:

Yes. The depths of shit have plummeted to a new low. And it is available for all to see in the guise of a chintz sheep door stop.

Exhibit F:

I like to think that an artist captures a snapshot of time, a feeling, a visual, a perfect moment. Why the hell would someone recreate THIS moment?! A terrorised horse? A moment of total surprise?! Horrendous. This is truly disgusting.

Exhibit G:

And this is the piece de la resistance

A large pink ceramic poodle.

Which has no eyes.
An eye-less, pink poodle.

Where will this end up? Somewhere where I never visit I hope. What is the right response when someone shows you their new pink poodle in their home?

Would it go “oh that’s lovely, it’s so unusual”? Or “it’s so…. Different”? Or do you simply say “well, that was £60 wasted, this vile thing should never have been created let alone bought across the threshold of your home”. That’s my choice.

Right I’m going to watch Letters To Juliet. It may be cheesy, but so far it suiting my mood.

Blog later folks.

-Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

3 thoughts on “Sting in the retail

Add yours

  1. well that's jane's birthday sorted! do they do mail order?!
    in a similar vein, in the sainsburys in chezvegas they were selling a white porcelain ballerina with a silver bling tutu-i think you are meant to keep your rings on it or something. very shocked, not the sort of tat you come to expect in a store like that. will get a photo!

    Like

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